DK's DAFT DEFINITIONS

Quotations - succinct and pithy
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. John Buchan
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the
roller of an electric typewriter? Woody Allen
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. Bob Hope
The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth. Edith Sitwell
I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief. Gerry Spence
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. Voltaire
God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages. Jacques Duval
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval. George Santayana
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. Dorothy Parker
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
Henry Kissinger
The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. George Jessel
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. Groucho Marx
I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me. John Cleese
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Sir Winston Churchill You can tell the character of every man when you see how he receives praise. Seneca(5 BC - 65 AD)
Charity begins at home. Terence, Roman dramatist (185 BC - 159 BC)
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. Clarence Darrow
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Groucho Marx
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. Dorothy Parker
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.Dorothy Parker
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. Groucho Marx
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it. Moses Hadas
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. Groucho Marx

The last words spoken by famous people at death,
(or shortly before...)

"Just looking for loopholes."
~~ W.C. Fields,( reading the Bible on his deathbed).

Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait.
In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him by saying, "General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."
~~ Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789

Am I dying or is this my birthday?
When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her bedside.
~~ Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964

Nothing, but death.
When asked by her sister, Cassandra, if there was anything she wanted.
~~ Jane Austen, writer, d. July 18, 1817

Codeine . . . bourbon.
~~ Tallulah Bankhead, actress, d. December 12, 1968

How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
~~ P. T. Barnum, entrepreneur, d. 1891

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
~~ John Barrymore, actor, d. May 29, 1942

Now comes the mystery.
~~ Henry Ward Beecher, evangelist, d. March 8, 1887

Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
~~ Ludwig van Beethoven, composer, d. March 26, 1827

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957

I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct.
~~ Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, d. 1702

Don't let poor Nelly (his mistress, Nell Gwynne) starve.
~~ Charles II, King of England and Scotland, d. 1685

The earth is suffocating . . . Swear to make them cut me open, so that I won't be buried alive.
Dying of tuberculosis.
~~ Frederic Chopin, composer, d. October 16, 1849

I'm bored with it all.
Before slipping into a coma. He died 9 days later.
~~ Winston Churchill, statesman, d. January 24, 1965

That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted.
~~ Lou Costello, comedian, d. March 3, 1959

Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me.
To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.
~~ Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977

It is very beautiful over there.
~~ Thomas Alva Edison, inventor, d. October 18, 1931

All my possessions for a moment of time.
~~ Elizabeth I, Queen of England, d. 1603

I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
~~ Richard Feynman, physicist, d. 1988

A dying man can do nothing easy. ~~ Benjamin Franklin, statesman, d. April 17, 1790

Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.
(When asked if he thought dying was tough)
~~ Edmund Gwenn, actor, d. September 6, 1959

All is lost. Monks, monks, monks!
~~ Henry VIII, King of England, d. 1547

I see black light.
~~ Victor Hugo, writer, d. May 22, 1885

Why do you weep. Did you think I was immortal?
~~ Louis XIV, King of France, d. 1715

I am a Queen, but I have not the power to move my arms.
~~ Louise, Queen of Prussia, d. 1820

Too late for fruit, too soon for flowers.
~~ Walter De La Mare, writer, d. 1956

Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so
she could write them down for posterity. ~~ Karl Marx, revolutionary, d. 1883

Nothing matters. Nothing matters.
~~ Louis B. Mayer, film producer, d. October 29, 1957

I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room - and God damn it - died in a hotel room.
~~ Eugene O'Neill, writer, d. November 27, 1953

Here am I, dying of a hundred good symptoms.
~~ Alexander Pope, writer, d. May 30, 1744

I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.
~~ François Rabelais, writer, d. 1553

I have a terrific headache.
He died of a cerebral hemorrhage.
~~ Franklin Delano Roosevelt, US President, d. 1945

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist. . . .
Killed in battle during US Civil War.
~~ General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, d. 1864

I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's the record . . .
~~ Dylan Thomas, poet, d. 1953

God bless... God damn.
~~ James Thurber, humorist, d. 1961

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
~~ Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary, d. 1923

Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
~~ Oscar Wilde, writer, d. November 30, 1900

Technology Misjudgements
The amazing intelligence of the technologically profound...
and the things they said which turned out to be... well, perhaps not so profound afterall.
from www.slinkycity.com


"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?"
-- Bill Gates, 1981

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

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